boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it