Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
*sewing*
A thread
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman