I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
You Might Also Like
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
man i love columbo
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken