Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
no their not
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]