[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
You Might Also Like
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I beg your pardon?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.