Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family