You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.