shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*