When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
the composer
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I’m already scared
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.