I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
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8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial