i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.