“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
#oldknees
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
thanksgiving should be called feaster