They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I’m not wrong
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
want me to check your oil?