“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
At Walmart during the holidays like..
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
still the best tweet of the year by far
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first