drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Bruh PLEASE