I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
socratic questions
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.