I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
This is Sparta
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.