Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt