According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now