*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
You Might Also Like
Why am I like this?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My love language is hissing.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”