[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about