when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Going into Monday like
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.