is this a threat
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.