I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
the answer was staring at me all along
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.