me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people