I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
The booster protects against what, now?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]