From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.