yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35