ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
The cake is mightier than the sword.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.