Milk Cube
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!