The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.