I was up all night reading about insomnia
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“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Me buying fruit and veg
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”