I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women