looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
bro what is going on at twitter
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”