Who did this…? 💫⚡️
You Might Also Like
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss