Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat