[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
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congratulations to them
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?