A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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This anagram machine is out of order.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes