I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.