that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
They also CAN sing✌️
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.