I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.