*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.