I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?