Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”