my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.