Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Good morning, Twitter x
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
He took my last fry, your honor
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.