It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
any last words?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Carpe DM
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent