Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach