[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
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My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.