Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Good dog. ❤️
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT